Potatoes. :D

ah.
last paper is over.
i banged on the wrong questions for pct la.
so one of the essay question was like gone case liao.
this time i wont expect much for my exams.
i know i wont do well. so i cant expect much.
i didnt put in that much of effort like last time.
so i can only blame myself.

went to eat at ajisen with kewee, amanda, kok and michelle after paper together.
supposed to be at student price $7.80
we ended up paying $16++ each.
no student meal and the service charge 10% can.
we were ordering so happily lo.
expensive. but im still so full now.
so full.

after that we went to toys'rus
hais. its memories for me again.
i picked up elmo and looked at it.
almost break down. but..
i managed to hold my tears back.

elmo makes me emo.
do you still rmb elmo? does it reminds you of anything?
it reminds me of too many things already.
elmo elmo elmo elmo elmo elmo elmo elmo.
i dont know why i just cant bear to put elmo back onto the shelf after picking it up.
i wished to bring it home with me.
i missed it so much now can.
i dont care if you make me sad or what.
i just want elmo.
elmo. would you come home with me?

walk me home again. please.

can you imagine that you feel that it sucks when you wake up every morning?
im having this kind of feeling for like a month already.
every single day. its like hell.
i need time to cool myself down everyday.
it just sucks.
i hate this feeling. dont like it at all.
where did all my anticipation go?
WHERE?
get them all back for me!

biochem 2 was okay today.
now left with the only pct.
almost no mood to study alr.
something or someone seemed more important than exams to me.
its something i dont want to give up on.
can we change everything?
i just cant imagine my life after the exams.
how do i live. how do i go on when all the images of you and i keep flashing in my head?
tell me how.

it feels so hard to breathe.
my heart beats so fast and i got so afraid at times.
im living in fear.
teach me how to walk out of all these. please.

ah.
aimm. mgen. f path. all over.
2 more papers to go.
almost dying alr.
wont do well this time round.
i knew it. syllabus cut down. but questions are tougher.
perhaps i was too complacent.
like for fpath today,
i thought it'll be easy. but. hais. there goes my A.

now im left with biochem and pct.
which i think it's even harder to score.
in no mood to study anyway.
its like holidays alr.
im too tired to study.
why cant i be like the last week when i can focus so hard?

it just keeps raining everyday. so heavily.
makes my heart aches even more.
hais.
nvm. today when i was going home,
it rained so heavily.
i stood in the rain.
waiting for the green man to light up so i can cross the road.
i dont know how long im going to wait.
suddenly, a woman offered to share her umbrella with me.
i was so damn touched and kept saying thank you.
i mean someone i dont even know can even reach out her hands for me.
just a little kind act.
it just leaves me to keep reflecting if i can do that too for others.
what if she's the one without the umbrella and im the one having it?
will i share it with her?

and because of this,
i feel that in this world, there's still so much hope.
if you believe, there's hope.

sometimes i know there's no hope.
but if i dont try, there will definitely be no hope.

im so afraid to see you.
but at the same time, im so afraid that i cant see you anymore.
can you tell me not to be afraid?
can you?

ah. just reached home not long.
studied at mac again.
at mac for days already!

today was the AIMM paper.
can say its quite a good start for the exams ya.
but i wont say i'll do well for this paper.

i think i've changed alot.

This morning, i woke up being so scared.
So worried.
even on the way to school to take the papers, i was so damn scared.
i was holding on to my aimm notes and i can even feel myself losing the strength to hold it.
hands were like trembling.
can feel my heart beating so damn fast. sort of panting for breath.
this is the first time okay.
i was never this afraid for exams before.
never ever.
in the past i might be worried, but not to this extent.
i could still walk into the examination hall so damn confidently.
this time i just cant.
ask my friends. they can all see the difference in me now.

in the past, people asked me to go out and study with them.
i just wont come out.
Now, i even went to ask people out to study with me.
cant study at home. what to do?

look at the kind of life im leading now.
i dont think im happy.
i may be happy. FOR moments only.
the emo-ness will still come back.

the things that happened had a great impact on me.
for a few days, i thought i've forgotten about it.
but no. i havent.

i sat in my room. all alone.
and i started tearing again.

i sat in mac. i stared into space.
tears start welling up in my eyes again.
i've never cried this much in my life.
will you stop me from crying?

its so damn tired okay.
i hate to fake a smile when im sad.
i hate it. im not like any other ppl who can do it so damn naturally.

sometimes its so frustrating.
you dont know how im feeling now.
you just dont know.
i wished you know everything. what im feeling now.
where were you when i needed you?
now its time that i needed you the most.
and where are you?
where?

omg. good morning.
i just had my breakfast at this time.
ytd kok and me went to camp at mac.
only reached home at like 6 this morning.
i did study okay.
but still think its not enough.
hais.

what's the point of staying up the whole night to study?
at some point of time, my thoughts ran wild again.
i lost my focus.
all the images went thru my head again.
its all those little things that you did.
even until now, im still touched by all these.
it may mean nothing to you, nothing to any other ppl.
but it means alot to me.
past. present. future. it will still stay.

the feeling is so terrible.
i tot it wont come back anymore until exams are over.
but all i think about is you and the time we spent together.
3 weeks alr.
these 2 weeks. i've been throwing myself with all my notes.
trying to force myself to study.
i tot i've like sort of forget some stuffs alr.
NO. the more i want to forget, the more it will come back.

i hope i can sleep well everynight.
cause if i cant sleep,
my mind will be all about you again.
i dont know if i love or hate this feeling.
i may hate it. but i dont see you, dont hear you, and now you're like giving me the cold shoulder.
its so terrible can.
the only way i can see you again,
is after i closed my eyes and try to sleep.

just dont treat me this way.
sometimes im so tired.
but what can i do?
tell me.
dont ask me to forget you.
i've been trying to do that.
its so hard..

my tears kept flowing.
but who's there to wipe them for me?

i look okay.
but my heart still hurts.
hais.
what to do?
close friends. what are all these?
stop giving me the cold shoulder or what la.
just treat me like how you did last time?

wa. so late and im blogging.
reached home at 12.
studied with kok at white sands mac.
its such a nice place to study la.
have been studying there for days alr.
think i'll be studying there till it closes tml.
then i'll switched to downtown east mac to chiong for the night.
yay! huiyi you can do it de.
jia you. =)

csas-ed and studied today.
went to sch.
study with kok and shuhui.
did abit of aimm.
so diff to get in my head can.
if i continue to be like this, i think i better start doing past year papers first.

is this called close friends?
i dont understand!
to me, it doesnt feel like close friends.
mayb its because i dont want to be just close friends.
or perhaps you're the one running away from it.

stop running please.
im already here waiting for you to turn back.

wednesday today.
2 weeks alr. its like so fast? cant believe it.
to me, its just like yesterday can?
now as im doing things to pass my time, i feel like the time is so slow la.
everyday is like the same.
like kok say, there's nothing to be excited everyday.
hmmm.

woke up at 730 when i only got lessons at 1.
spent most of the time stoning can.
wanted to at least read thru my biochem notes.
i just cant.
how to focus?
what to do?

i know i have to pick myself up la.
which i think i might have alr done so.
but this doesnt mean im going to let go of everything.
you can say im stubborn or stupid or selfish la.
i know what i want.
i got damn alot of things to tell you.
can you just please slow down for a while and hear me out?
it feels like as though im losing you.
so many things to do.
exams are coming. this means we wont see each other that often.
Vacation for me and SIP for you soon.
how?
so many things yet to be said.

i dont know if you're reading all this.
if i say im not missing you at all,
its all fake.

another day passed.
too many things just happened.
i can just say ITS BAD.
sunday was really a thunderstorm man.
already picking up myself and hear this kind of thing.
and it was raining so badly outside can.
got no choice but to call friends up.
cant sleep well.
just keep dreaming of so many things when i closed my eyes.
sometimes i just too afraid to sleep. i can feel my heart beating so fast.
difficulties in breathing. just too afraid i guess?
when i wake up, its like
" why did i wake up. omg"
on the verge of breaking down.
there are just too many things i dont understand.
im tired physically.
but my mind just cant stop thinking.

my head says left but my heart says right.
huiyi, you've to concentrate on your studies.
please you have to. stay strong ya. jia you!

but on the other hand, its like
come back to me. will ya?

hmmm.
i cant say life has been good or bad to me recently.
too many things just happened.
just wondering if i can take it.
its like a drastic change in my life.
cant help it but keep having this emptiness in my heart.
its just so weird.
exams are coming i got no choice but to cope.
of course, i wont want to drop out of the director's list.
it will be so wasted.

i want to study.
i want to eat.
but.
有心无力
just no mood to do all these stuffs.

i asked ppl
为什么路那么难走？
很辛苦.
They told me,
因为你没有逃避，所以会辛苦。
因为辛苦你才会成长。
辛苦的日子是会过的，
一过了，你就会长大，日子还是一样的好过。
just need time lo.

i know what i want.
i wont give up anyway.
its you who taught me the determination to do things.
not to just give up just like that.
im going to do what i think is right.

jia you huiyi!

dont know if you're still reading my blog.
ya.
im going to stay strong.
REAL STRONG.
i've learnt alot from this setbacks.
pros and cons actually.
if i tell you im not sad, its all fake la.
like that its like so inhuman liao.
at least im going to face it.
and NOT RUN AWAY.

dont care whether you see my point.

RUNNING AWAY doesnt solve it anyway.
belief and trust are still in me.
i still hold my belief that it can be solved.
i still trust my own feelings.
im not running away.
no matter what you say, it's never going to bring me down.
I AM NOT GIVING UP like how you did.
HUIYI YOU ARE STRONG!